2 steps forward, another step back

I wish I could say something encouraging today.  I wish I could say I lost weight, exercised hard, or even that I cared this weekend.  I started off this week doing weight watcher's on my own and everything was going great.  I got down to 291 and I thought for sure I was going to break 290 by Monday.  Then we went out for dinner for my cheat meal and I thought wow! That was delicious but I'm ready to get back on track.  Instead though the onset of depression came into play and I couldn't bring myself to have self control.  I mean what's the point of trying to better myself when I can't even convince myself that I'm worth existing.  I really want to get back on track Monday.  I really want to wake up and feel like I can take on the world and go workout and eat right and make good choices but I think that's entirely up to what side of the hill I'm on tomorrow.  I'm sorry this isn't the most uplifting entry I've ever made but I just can't feel the pick me up on my own today.  I just wanted to check in and assure myself that losing weight still is a priority even if emotionally I don't feel confident I can do it.

Hurray!

Day late weigh in: 295


Honestly I'm not that bummed out by the gain.  Friday I had Olive Garden for Valentine's Day, I had texas roadhouse with my dad on Saturday, and Sunday I had pizza for game night with my friends.  If I hadn't gained weight I would be worried.  But it's fixable.  Especially since I finished my first day of P90 yesterday (not p90x the one before it) then did cardio for a hour at the gym that night.  Today I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and abs on the mat.  I need to start timing my planks because I think I did pretty good today.  My legs are all wobbly and sore but it's good.  They're not even that sore.  They're not like I can't sit down sore it's just more like "oh hey I worked out that muscle today didn't I?" sore.  I don't know if it's just because I'm feeling extremely optimistic but I'm starting to notice my lower stomach ponch is starting to slim down a bit.  

So food.  Let's talk about food for a moment.  I'm trying super hard to go back to gluten free especially after this weekend but I noticed not every gluten I eat does the same thing to me.  Sometimes it doesn't do anything at all.  I know gluten in general isn't that good for you and it can do damage to your body even if you're not sensitive to it.  Right now I'm kinda 75/25 on being gluten free because sometimes it just feels impossible.  It's not a craving or a want it's just like I'm starving and there's a yummy sandwich at the cafe I can eat.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like I'm at a medical stand still.  I can't see any other doctor's or I'll get dropped from Heartland but I mean come on!  I went to Heartland complaining about my arm hurting and they said I had sleep apnea..  Then it turns out it was the blood clot I had that was making my arm hurt.  I don't exactly have the most utmost faith in them.  I just wish I could afford to do a head to toe exam.  Get everything checked out.  Anyways.... Food!  I'm thinking about joining weight watchers again but really I just want to buy the little kit and do it myself.  I have people to hold me accountable I just want a different way of counting calories then actual calories.  I feel so upset when I eat a handful of grapes and watch 100+ calories leave my tracker.  I'd rather feel good about myself for making healthy choices.  I'm also afraid of under eating if I go about my business as usual.  With the new medication I'm on I don't have that overwhelming feeling to eat all the time and sometimes I just forget and don't do it for a while.  It'll get better I know but I just wish I had a better grasp on everything and could see more results faster.  Don't we all though. 

I'm talking here and now

Day 29!

Motivating song of the day!:  Let's go by calvin harris and ne-yo

"Let’s go!
Make no excuses now
I’m talking here and now
I’m talking here and now

Let’s go!
Your time is running out
I’m talking here and now
I’m talking here and now "

It's almost a full month since I looked in the mirror and decided I had to make a change.  Sure I've had this realization many times before and it always starts off pretty easy the first week or so but I think this is the longest I've ever actually stuck to something and seen results.  It's been a year since I started taking Seroquel and in that year's time I gained 50 pounds at least.  I worked out, I tried weight watchers, I ate less, I did everything I was supposed to with no results.  For the first time in what seems like forever I can actually see something come from my hard work. 

So I go to the gym today and I had taken my adderall but I forgot my wellbutrin.  Turns out I'm a grumpy gym goer if I don't take both.  I was feeling awake, energized, and ready to go but I couldn't help but snarl and growl in my head at a few people.  First there was the guy who kept almost running into me when he jogged past.  I was practically walking against the wall so there was 2 other lanes next to me and he kept brushing past me and I'm like No!  My personal space!  Mine!  I swore if he actually knocked me over I was going to trip him.  Then I walked past the thigh weight machines I wanted to use and there was this really big girl on them with the most awful tattoo covering her leg and she wasn't even using it. She was just sitting there and talking to her friend next to her!  Angry face.  Then I decided I don't like people who read like entire textbooks while walking around the track.  They should get on the treadmill if they're going to read.  I'm making angry faces as I'm typing this.  

Turns out I should take both medications before going to ensure an alert and calming experience xD  To be honest though a small part of my rage motivates me.  Like if I'm going to do something to someone.... I wanna be able to run away XD  or at least be strong enough to stand up for myself.  luhlz.  I have puny little girl arms.  Someday I'll be as tough as the thoughts in my head.  

Booyeah!

Day 28!

Weigh in!  *drum roll*  292.4lbs! 

Measurements:

Chest: 41.5  (-1.5)
Arms:  18  (-.5)
Waist: 46  (-2)
Hips: 53  (-2)
Thighs: 33  (-.5)
Calf: 19.5 (-1)

WOOHOO!  I'm so excited.  It's like for the first time ever I can see results in numbers and measurements.  I have been working out for almost a month now and hadn't seen anything and now that I've switched medications I'm finally seeing the results I deserve.  I feel more confident already and I'm super encouraged to keep it up.  I'm floating on cloud nine right now!

Last night I went to the gym again after taking a week off.  My body is an unforgiving master.  It was like I had never worked out in my life.  My legs were too sore to run. I was dying while lifting weights and my legs were on fire the whole time I was on the exercise bike.  I managed to push through and get it done though so I'm proud of myself for that.  I did squats and lunges too and today my legs are killing me.  I like the pain though it reminds me I did a good job yesterday. 

Here's to a good week ahead of me!  

Good Morning!

Day 26 
Weigh in: (because I'm too excited to wait until Monday) 294.2!!

Also watching Legally Blonde which motivates me to workout xD


I'm so sorry for the lack of updates!  I haven't completely given up on this weight loss effort.  Things got tough after my last update.  I ran out of my medication and since I wasn't able to get refills for 5 days I figured now would be a good time to start getting off of them since I'd have to someday anyways if I ever became pregnant.  Well apparently Seroquel is a hell of a drug to get off of.  The withdrawal symptoms were awful.  I didn't sleep for a week unless heavily put under something to help.  I'd lay in bed and just cry for hours.  Losing weight was the least of my concerns.  How could I think about working out when I'd lay in bed and hear voices screaming in my head for hours, pushing me to my very last point of sanity..

But! The good news now though is I'm on new medications and using Zzzquil to help sleep at night.  Since I'm getting sleep again and taking medication that helps with focus and energy I've been losing weight at an amazing pace!  I've already lost 4 pounds this week.  My appetite is down and I'm not ravishingly hungry all the time.  I had Chinese food last night.  I only had one glass of soda and only ate half of my entree.  I finally feel like I'm on the right track.  When I talked to my doctor about how tired the Seroquel made me she mentioned people on it have to be very very active and it can cause weight gain which explains why I gained 50 pounds since I've been on it.  Maybe tomorrow I'll post up a before picture so later I can look back at it and remember where I'll never be again.  :D  

Today I need to start doing my P90 workouts again.  I'm so excited to be awake and have energy to do stuff I'm almost overwhelmed by it.  I could do dishes, clean, read books, write stories, draw, knit, workout, play video games! I want to do it all at once!  Aaahhh!! 

Aaahhhhh!

Day 15
Weigh in: 294.4
Motivating Song of the Day: Part of Me - Katy Perry

"This is the part of me that you're never ever gonna take from me"

Sorry I'm so late with the weigh in and updates.  I've been on a roller coaster of being sick, being tired, dealing with my medication issues, and everything else going on in life.  On the plus side I was still able to work out over the weekend with my boyfriend Jacob.  It was actually pretty fun.  Today was the day with issues.

I started doing my third day of couch to 5k (already completed day 2!!) and I was 15 minutes in before I was so drenched in sweat I almost couldn't see.  My shins were hurting more than usual and I just felt off about the whole thing.  Then I went to lifting weights and then again I was just soaking in sweat.  Finally I tried the elliptical and my heart rate kept shooting up to the 150's and wouldn't come down and once again I was sweating to death.  I hope this isn't a regular occurring thing.  Maybe I'm just sick or something.  

Either way.  The reason that's my motivating song of the day is because of that line.  No one can take my body away from me.  It's mine and I have to take care of it.  No one can stop me from becoming who I wanna be.  I'm going to become strong.  I'm going to become healthy and fit and by golly that's my decision to make.  No one can take away the joy a good workout brings me. 

Remember think strong be strong.

I feel meh.

Day 11

No weigh in today.  Only posting weight on Mondays now.

Measurements:
Chest: 43
Arms: 18 1/2
Waist: 48
Hips: 55
Thighs: 33 1/2
Calf: 20 1/2

I'll be updating the measurements on Friday mornings from now on and weigh in's will be on Monday mornings.  

I'm really hoping that tracking my measurements will do more to help track my progress.  If I went by weight alone I'd be very depressed with the results.  I'll admit I had a couple more splurges than I should have had but I've been very strict about my exercise.  I missed Thursday due to being sick but I went today instead.  I feel fantastic again!  I felt so cruddy and gross without working out.  

I'm so tired of this body.  I'm so tired of the mind I have the brain God gave me.  I'm angry that this is the body I was born with.  From the beginning of my time I feel I was doomed to struggle.  I am diagnosed hypothyroidism, bipolar, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, bad knees, blood clot/deep vein thrombosis at the age of 25, and a mess of other diseases that run in my family.  I know I can't change the past and the best I can do is work towards making a better future for myself.  Keep exercising, losing weight, and hope I can make things better from now on.

I'm at a point in my life where I need to lose 130 lbs.  How did I get here?  How did I convince myself that I'd start a diet next Monday and gain 10 more lbs instead?  How did I imagine I'd be skinny just by dieting a week or two at a time?  This body I'm in, well I'm here because I made it.  Now I have to dig myself back out of this hole one pound at a time.

Sigh.  Sorry for the depressing entry.  It's just been a hard time lately.  I think something is not quite right with my medication.  

Couch to 5K! I'm on my way!

Day 8 (297somethingdoesn'tmatterit'sjustwaterweightanyways)

True story it is just water weight anyways.  I know it is because the second I drink a glass of water my bladder is suddenly full and I'm spending the rest of the day running to the bathroom.  It's not a bad thing though.  Sneaky little way to get in extra steps and I know I'm just getting rid of extra water weight. 

What scared me to death was when I got on the scale this morning and saw I gained two pounds.  Now I know weight fluctuates especially if you weight yourself everyday. The reason I choose to weight myself every day is because it helps me keep an eye out for changes in my body.  I gained two pounds and googled whether it was normal to gain weight after exercising and I found tons of articles that explain how when you start working out and the muscles tear they fill up with water causing a pound or two of water weight.  Now instead of freaking out and trying to change my diet I can calmly go about my business and know I need to drink more water now.  I don't consider real weight loss or gains unless it's different from a week ago.  

Let me tell you what though!  I know I'm tearing up muscles because I have been working out like a fiend.  Today I completed the first day of the Couch to 5K!  I need to hit up running central and see what I can do about making sure I don't hurt my shins.  Then I completed the weight machine circuit and then I rode the recumbent exercise bike for 30 minutes.  I felt so energized and powered up!  I can't stress enough to people how amazing working out feels.  Even just 20 minutes of walking will make you feel better.  This is part of why I want to become a personal trainer, nutrition expert, and public administrative.  I want to make a change in the world.  I want to show people that just because you have a slow thyroid doesn't mean you have to lay back and let it control you forever.  You can get on the right medication and step up and become the person you want to be.  You want to be a runner?  You can do it!  You want to ride bicycles? You can do it! 

Ugh.. I know I said I'd start tracking my measurements but Monday was such a blah day for me.  I swear I'll do it soon.  I'm trying to eat off of the Abs Diet plan where you focus your meals around these 12 power foods.  It's really interesting book and I've lost weight on it before.  Now all I need is to start making my own smoothies at home. 

This was the picture that really made me realize that not only should I lose weight for my health...  but it doesn't hurt to lose weight so you can feel good about yourself in a picture instead of being morbidly horrified with every picture that isn't somehow hiding major parts of your body. 

Good feelings

Day 6  (295.2)

Motivating Song of the Day: Phillip Phillips "Home"

There that's better.  All I had to do was drink a lot of water and the water weight comes off in time.  I have to be careful with my salt intake because it will quickly remind me how sad it is to look at the scale and see all that water weight.  

Exercise today was pretty much the same.  I walked for 30 minutes and did the exercise bike for 20 minutes.  I sweated a LOT!  It makes me feel clean and good about myself though to sweat that much.  I was listening to my motivating song of the day and it really felt like I was walking around in a movie about myself and this was the theme song to my moment.  

"Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home"

If that isn't the anthem to my gym experience than I don't know what is!

As for food today I did pretty well but I realized something about my relationship with food.  When it comes to healthy stuff my brain is like "Hmm... we're full that's okay"  or "we can wait a little bit longer before needing to eat again" but once I start eating something that's somewhat delicious but bad my brain just shuts off.  No full signals, no self control, no nothing.  It's just like something inside just gives up and I become a mindless eating machine.  Even after I've stuffed myself I don't really feel full.  I have to work on that.  I have to because if I could get that fixed I swear I could lose weight so much faster. 

I was going through some old clothes last night and it was sort of an emotional trip for me.  Some of the clothes I have in my closet are clothes I've had since high school.  Some of them still fit and some of them don't but everyone of them holds some sort of memory.  A memory to my past.  Sometimes it was good and sometimes it was bad.  I was a different person back then.  Some of the clothes I decided to give away were because I decided the old me was gone and the clothes she wore need to leave with her.  Some of the clothes I gave way were because they would never fit.  I've never worn or enjoyed them because of being too small and instead of holding on to a ridiculous amount of clothing that doesn't fit I swore to myself I'd start saving up for new clothes when I get skinny.  Finally, the clothes I held on to that were still too small were trophies.  Trophies I'll wear someday when I've lost weight.  They're cute, a reasonable side, and clothes I've wanted to wear forever.  Someday when I put on those clothes and they fit I will celebrate being a New Jessie in her new lovely clothes and maybe then I'll realize I'm as worthy as everyone tells me I am.


Monday I'm gonna get extremely personal and start tracking my measurements biweekly.  To end on a positive note here's an euphoric exercised Jessie 

I know better

Day Five (296.4)

I know better than to eat salt and weigh myself the next day.  I have a terrible relationship with salt.  It makes food taste so good but makes me so bloated.  I also tend to gain weight when I start working out.  It's always up and then after a few days of continued working out it finally starts going down.  Normally I get discouraged when this happens but this time I have people holding me accountable and be encouraging.  I also don't want to let you guys down ;3

It's harder to eat right when I'm home all day because I sometimes get distracted and forget to eat and then once I figure out I'm hungry I binge and munch and graze a lot.  I need more dinner ideas for sure.  My problem is I get tired of making chicken so I should look for vegetarian meals for days when I don't have meat to cook with but I need easy recipes as well for nights when I'm tired or it's late.  

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym after work and I'm actually really excited about it.  I'm ready to feel good again after two days of not being there.  I have so many chores to do too.  I just gotta keep chipping away at the list.

Sorry this post is so short I'm just distracted by some stuff that needs to be done.  I can't wait until I update tomorrow after working out :3

Stuck

Day Four (295.8)

Picture of me from a couple days ago after working out.  Proof I'm not making all this up! lol

As for today I think it went pretty well.  I ate good for breakfast and worked out while cleaning (Squats, dancing to music, just overall being active instead of sitting)  and I felt pretty good. 

For dinner I had a cheat meal of McDonald's and it was okay but I don't crave it like I used to.  

I've been crazy emotional the past two days.  I've been really up and feeling good when I'm left to myself but when anyone interferes or tries to interact with me I feel grumpy and I've been snappy and angry too.  I know it's all just part of my hormones/issues but I can't wait for this to pass.  

When I look in the mirror and see myself I sometimes see a strong, determined woman willing to work towards any goal she wishes but then sometimes I see a scared little girl afraid of failing and becoming her own worst nightmares.  It doesn't help my dreams have been really depressed and weird lately.  Ugh I can't wait till I'm all leveled out and happy again. 

Funny note!  I got my bearded dragon to eat lettuce today and Mister is on a diet to lose weight.  So besides Jacob we're all trying to eat healthier and be happy :3

Sorry for the emotional journal I just figure it's better to type it out than to eat my emotions. 

Dancing to the music in my head

Day Three (295.8)

So day three has come and passed and it's been a great day so far!  I don't want to hype myself up too much because I'm always disappointed when I go back and reread weight loss diaries and see how dedicated I used  to be before I quit trying.  This time though feels really different.  It's easier to go to a gym now that it's just a short walk away and the gym is really nice and offers a lot to do.  Today I went to the cougarplex and thought I would be too tired to work out so I told myself to do at least 20 minutes of walking.  Well after 30 minutes of walking I felt so up and energized I did 20 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes of weights.  I felt really great afterwards!  I'm even more awake lately than usual considering the lack of sleep I've gotten.  

Working out was a blast with the music I was listening to.  I was jamming out to The Lumineers, Fun, Psy, Imagine Dragons, Grouplove, Maroon 5, Adele, and a bunch of others.  I might start listing the songs I like best to do cardio and weight stuff too.  It's kinda embarrassing how much pop music I listen to when I'm working out but it motivates me to move so don't judge!

Food wise I'm doing good on being strict on myself about eating right and staying away from gluten but it's always this easy in the beginning.  It's when things get tough that it'll be harder to say no.  For now I'll keep doing things to keep me distracted like drawing, knitting, writing, and reading.  
Somehow just keeping a blog makes me feel accountable like I don't want to disappoint anyone. Which is waaay cheaper than letting Weight Watchers hold me accountable.  So for now I relay to you guys.  Things are going good.

Day 2

So it's day two of this journey and I'm still feeling really optimistic.  I didn't make it in to the gym today because when I woke up I was beyond exhausted.  I have to make an appointment to see my doctor soon since it can't be normal to feel the way I do when I wake up.  I have been trying to make more of an effort to get up and walk around at work and drink plenty of water.  I also will go home and do crunches and push ups.  My fall to exercises when I have no time or energy.  I'll be going to the gym tomorrow after class but again I need to make sure I don't hurt myself so I'll just be doing laps around the track listening to music.  I can actually do that longer than the elliptical so I'm hoping to burn a lot of calories tomorrow.

As for my diet today I'm doing fantastic!!  I'm sticking to my calories and eating healthy choices.  I also got a list of foods and things to help from my boss today.  I have easily drank more than 8 glasses of water today.  For breakfast I had cereal and a banana, for lunch I had chicken breast and rice, and for dinner I'll eat what I packed in my lunch box which is full of healthy foods.  I need to keep my almonds at the desk with me so I eat them throughout the day.  Almonds are sooooo good for you.

Personally, I'm not too optimistic right now because I'm always motivated and encouraged early on in my weight loss plans but I've never fully stuck through with them.  Today I had a lot of reminders at work though of the reasons why I want to lose weight and that definitely helped keep my spirits up.  I keep thinking if I just remind myself of the reasons why I want to lose weight it'll keep me motivated but instead it just makes me really depressed and brings down my self esteem so I just end up sleeping and eating again.  Ugh.  I won't think of the things wrong with me anymore but what I have to gain from losing weight!  

Peace out!

Day One So I'm gonna keep a blog about my weight loss journey as a form of motivation and a way to vent about the ups and downs that go along with it. So as for my first day. Starting out food wise I did okay. I ate breakfast, ate lunch, but once dinner rolled around I felt lost to the wind. I would've eaten anything that flown by. I didn't plan or pack a lunch so I threw off my whole hunger levels. Tomorrow I'll do better by packing a lunch and being prepared for late night munches. I went to the courageplex today to work out! It was pretty exciting. I not only did the elliptical machine for 30 minutes but I went to a gym by myself and didn't let my anxiety keep me away from going. The downside though is I think I pushed myself too hard for my first day back into the exercise world and I'm in a bit of pain today. Tomorrow I'm going to do weights and Thursday I'll walk around the track instead and start of slow and easy instead of going crazy and hurting myself too severely. I got that really good feeling after I worked out and I miss that. I also hope it helps my sleeping. This is a new Jessie. It has to be there's no where else to go now but up.