2 steps forward, another step back

I wish I could say something encouraging today.  I wish I could say I lost weight, exercised hard, or even that I cared this weekend.  I started off this week doing weight watcher's on my own and everything was going great.  I got down to 291 and I thought for sure I was going to break 290 by Monday.  Then we went out for dinner for my cheat meal and I thought wow! That was delicious but I'm ready to get back on track.  Instead though the onset of depression came into play and I couldn't bring myself to have self control.  I mean what's the point of trying to better myself when I can't even convince myself that I'm worth existing.  I really want to get back on track Monday.  I really want to wake up and feel like I can take on the world and go workout and eat right and make good choices but I think that's entirely up to what side of the hill I'm on tomorrow.  I'm sorry this isn't the most uplifting entry I've ever made but I just can't feel the pick me up on my own today.  I just wanted to check in and assure myself that losing weight still is a priority even if emotionally I don't feel confident I can do it.

Hurray!

Day late weigh in: 295


Honestly I'm not that bummed out by the gain.  Friday I had Olive Garden for Valentine's Day, I had texas roadhouse with my dad on Saturday, and Sunday I had pizza for game night with my friends.  If I hadn't gained weight I would be worried.  But it's fixable.  Especially since I finished my first day of P90 yesterday (not p90x the one before it) then did cardio for a hour at the gym that night.  Today I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and abs on the mat.  I need to start timing my planks because I think I did pretty good today.  My legs are all wobbly and sore but it's good.  They're not even that sore.  They're not like I can't sit down sore it's just more like "oh hey I worked out that muscle today didn't I?" sore.  I don't know if it's just because I'm feeling extremely optimistic but I'm starting to notice my lower stomach ponch is starting to slim down a bit.  

So food.  Let's talk about food for a moment.  I'm trying super hard to go back to gluten free especially after this weekend but I noticed not every gluten I eat does the same thing to me.  Sometimes it doesn't do anything at all.  I know gluten in general isn't that good for you and it can do damage to your body even if you're not sensitive to it.  Right now I'm kinda 75/25 on being gluten free because sometimes it just feels impossible.  It's not a craving or a want it's just like I'm starving and there's a yummy sandwich at the cafe I can eat.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like I'm at a medical stand still.  I can't see any other doctor's or I'll get dropped from Heartland but I mean come on!  I went to Heartland complaining about my arm hurting and they said I had sleep apnea..  Then it turns out it was the blood clot I had that was making my arm hurt.  I don't exactly have the most utmost faith in them.  I just wish I could afford to do a head to toe exam.  Get everything checked out.  Anyways.... Food!  I'm thinking about joining weight watchers again but really I just want to buy the little kit and do it myself.  I have people to hold me accountable I just want a different way of counting calories then actual calories.  I feel so upset when I eat a handful of grapes and watch 100+ calories leave my tracker.  I'd rather feel good about myself for making healthy choices.  I'm also afraid of under eating if I go about my business as usual.  With the new medication I'm on I don't have that overwhelming feeling to eat all the time and sometimes I just forget and don't do it for a while.  It'll get better I know but I just wish I had a better grasp on everything and could see more results faster.  Don't we all though. 

I'm talking here and now

Day 29!

Motivating song of the day!:  Let's go by calvin harris and ne-yo

"Let’s go!
Make no excuses now
I’m talking here and now
I’m talking here and now

Let’s go!
Your time is running out
I’m talking here and now
I’m talking here and now "

It's almost a full month since I looked in the mirror and decided I had to make a change.  Sure I've had this realization many times before and it always starts off pretty easy the first week or so but I think this is the longest I've ever actually stuck to something and seen results.  It's been a year since I started taking Seroquel and in that year's time I gained 50 pounds at least.  I worked out, I tried weight watchers, I ate less, I did everything I was supposed to with no results.  For the first time in what seems like forever I can actually see something come from my hard work. 

So I go to the gym today and I had taken my adderall but I forgot my wellbutrin.  Turns out I'm a grumpy gym goer if I don't take both.  I was feeling awake, energized, and ready to go but I couldn't help but snarl and growl in my head at a few people.  First there was the guy who kept almost running into me when he jogged past.  I was practically walking against the wall so there was 2 other lanes next to me and he kept brushing past me and I'm like No!  My personal space!  Mine!  I swore if he actually knocked me over I was going to trip him.  Then I walked past the thigh weight machines I wanted to use and there was this really big girl on them with the most awful tattoo covering her leg and she wasn't even using it. She was just sitting there and talking to her friend next to her!  Angry face.  Then I decided I don't like people who read like entire textbooks while walking around the track.  They should get on the treadmill if they're going to read.  I'm making angry faces as I'm typing this.  

Turns out I should take both medications before going to ensure an alert and calming experience xD  To be honest though a small part of my rage motivates me.  Like if I'm going to do something to someone.... I wanna be able to run away XD  or at least be strong enough to stand up for myself.  luhlz.  I have puny little girl arms.  Someday I'll be as tough as the thoughts in my head.  

Booyeah!

Day 28!

Weigh in!  *drum roll*  292.4lbs! 

Measurements:

Chest: 41.5  (-1.5)
Arms:  18  (-.5)
Waist: 46  (-2)
Hips: 53  (-2)
Thighs: 33  (-.5)
Calf: 19.5 (-1)

WOOHOO!  I'm so excited.  It's like for the first time ever I can see results in numbers and measurements.  I have been working out for almost a month now and hadn't seen anything and now that I've switched medications I'm finally seeing the results I deserve.  I feel more confident already and I'm super encouraged to keep it up.  I'm floating on cloud nine right now!

Last night I went to the gym again after taking a week off.  My body is an unforgiving master.  It was like I had never worked out in my life.  My legs were too sore to run. I was dying while lifting weights and my legs were on fire the whole time I was on the exercise bike.  I managed to push through and get it done though so I'm proud of myself for that.  I did squats and lunges too and today my legs are killing me.  I like the pain though it reminds me I did a good job yesterday. 

Here's to a good week ahead of me!  

Good Morning!

Day 26 
Weigh in: (because I'm too excited to wait until Monday) 294.2!!

Also watching Legally Blonde which motivates me to workout xD


I'm so sorry for the lack of updates!  I haven't completely given up on this weight loss effort.  Things got tough after my last update.  I ran out of my medication and since I wasn't able to get refills for 5 days I figured now would be a good time to start getting off of them since I'd have to someday anyways if I ever became pregnant.  Well apparently Seroquel is a hell of a drug to get off of.  The withdrawal symptoms were awful.  I didn't sleep for a week unless heavily put under something to help.  I'd lay in bed and just cry for hours.  Losing weight was the least of my concerns.  How could I think about working out when I'd lay in bed and hear voices screaming in my head for hours, pushing me to my very last point of sanity..

But! The good news now though is I'm on new medications and using Zzzquil to help sleep at night.  Since I'm getting sleep again and taking medication that helps with focus and energy I've been losing weight at an amazing pace!  I've already lost 4 pounds this week.  My appetite is down and I'm not ravishingly hungry all the time.  I had Chinese food last night.  I only had one glass of soda and only ate half of my entree.  I finally feel like I'm on the right track.  When I talked to my doctor about how tired the Seroquel made me she mentioned people on it have to be very very active and it can cause weight gain which explains why I gained 50 pounds since I've been on it.  Maybe tomorrow I'll post up a before picture so later I can look back at it and remember where I'll never be again.  :D  

Today I need to start doing my P90 workouts again.  I'm so excited to be awake and have energy to do stuff I'm almost overwhelmed by it.  I could do dishes, clean, read books, write stories, draw, knit, workout, play video games! I want to do it all at once!  Aaahhh!! 

Aaahhhhh!

Day 15
Weigh in: 294.4
Motivating Song of the Day: Part of Me - Katy Perry

"This is the part of me that you're never ever gonna take from me"

Sorry I'm so late with the weigh in and updates.  I've been on a roller coaster of being sick, being tired, dealing with my medication issues, and everything else going on in life.  On the plus side I was still able to work out over the weekend with my boyfriend Jacob.  It was actually pretty fun.  Today was the day with issues.

I started doing my third day of couch to 5k (already completed day 2!!) and I was 15 minutes in before I was so drenched in sweat I almost couldn't see.  My shins were hurting more than usual and I just felt off about the whole thing.  Then I went to lifting weights and then again I was just soaking in sweat.  Finally I tried the elliptical and my heart rate kept shooting up to the 150's and wouldn't come down and once again I was sweating to death.  I hope this isn't a regular occurring thing.  Maybe I'm just sick or something.  

Either way.  The reason that's my motivating song of the day is because of that line.  No one can take my body away from me.  It's mine and I have to take care of it.  No one can stop me from becoming who I wanna be.  I'm going to become strong.  I'm going to become healthy and fit and by golly that's my decision to make.  No one can take away the joy a good workout brings me. 

Remember think strong be strong.

I feel meh.

Day 11

No weigh in today.  Only posting weight on Mondays now.

Measurements:
Chest: 43
Arms: 18 1/2
Waist: 48
Hips: 55
Thighs: 33 1/2
Calf: 20 1/2

I'll be updating the measurements on Friday mornings from now on and weigh in's will be on Monday mornings.  

I'm really hoping that tracking my measurements will do more to help track my progress.  If I went by weight alone I'd be very depressed with the results.  I'll admit I had a couple more splurges than I should have had but I've been very strict about my exercise.  I missed Thursday due to being sick but I went today instead.  I feel fantastic again!  I felt so cruddy and gross without working out.  

I'm so tired of this body.  I'm so tired of the mind I have the brain God gave me.  I'm angry that this is the body I was born with.  From the beginning of my time I feel I was doomed to struggle.  I am diagnosed hypothyroidism, bipolar, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, bad knees, blood clot/deep vein thrombosis at the age of 25, and a mess of other diseases that run in my family.  I know I can't change the past and the best I can do is work towards making a better future for myself.  Keep exercising, losing weight, and hope I can make things better from now on.

I'm at a point in my life where I need to lose 130 lbs.  How did I get here?  How did I convince myself that I'd start a diet next Monday and gain 10 more lbs instead?  How did I imagine I'd be skinny just by dieting a week or two at a time?  This body I'm in, well I'm here because I made it.  Now I have to dig myself back out of this hole one pound at a time.

Sigh.  Sorry for the depressing entry.  It's just been a hard time lately.  I think something is not quite right with my medication.